I was recently talking with someone whom I have coached periodically. We'll call him Tom. He was the victim of repeated sexual assault, as a child, by someone he knew, who was supposed to be taking care of him.
Tom had repressed these memories until a few years ago when they reappeared and sent him down a long road of dealing with his own mental health, as well as civil and criminal lawsuits against the perpetrator (Jason) and the institution where the assault occurred.
Now it's time for Jason to accept a plea deal or go to trial. Tom told me that Jason could be sentenced to 14-28 years, or 5-10 if the plea were accepted. I asked Tom, "In your heart, what do you really want to happen?"
He pondered and said something like, "I've suffered for about 20 years as a result of his actions, so I sort of think he should suffer for 20 years."
I asked again, "In your heart, what do you really want to happen?"
I continued to listen. Tom continued, "I often wonder what drove him to do this to me. I bet something similar happened to him. And if so, he needs a lot of counseling, like I got, which he's not going to get in prison."
I didn't say much, except for sharing a story I'd heard on the radio about a man who was brutally murdered and how his sister came to forgive the murderer and spoke at his parole hearing, in favor of his release, 20 years after he entered prison.
Tom was moved by the story. He talked for several more minutes, in what seemed like talking in circles. But I could feel he was about to land on gold.
It took him a while, but without me saying anything, he said, "You know what, I'd never want to make anyone suffer."
I was in tears. He saw, as he put it, "we're probably a lot more similar than I think we are." The circle of violence had been broken. Tom even said, "Maybe Jason and I can team up to talk to other people who were abused so they don't become abusers."
He told me how much lighter he felt, how that feeling of hate had been lifted. No one knows what will happen with the criminal case. But Tom has more freedom and more space to see the world in a different way. More space to not have to re-process this forever. More space to contribute from his heart. More space to forgive.