You Don't Have it as Bad as the Other Guy

Every once in a while, you’ll hear someone say, “Hey, man, you don’t have it that bad.  Look at that other guy.”  But, the notion that “if you’d only understand that he’s got it worse than you, you’d feel better" is completely false.

Several years ago, I went out for drinks with a friend whom I'll call Sam.  At the time, he’d been embroiled as the defendant in a very serious criminal case — for a crime for which he was wrongly accused — for the past 18 months. In the 2 weeks prior to being arrested, he’d broken up with his serious girlfriend, lost his high-paying job and was diagnosed with skin cancer of unknown severity.

I asked him, in an almost accusatory way, “How are you so calm?”  I reminded him that he might be going to prison and/or being deported, and of all his other woes.  Silly me, I thought he’d forgotten.  He simply relied, “Everyone has their Top 10 problems. You just mentioned my Top 4.”  Sam was convinced that everything would work out, even if not optimally, and that he’d be fine, some way, some how. That is, he was confident that something he couldn’t currently see would show up.   (He was later acquitted, got another great job, married the girlfriend he'd broken up with, and his cancer went into remission.)

"Miserable" circumstances with a relaxed, even upbeat feeling.

I have another friend, Greg, who is around 50. He left a "good" career in his 40s, saved and invested wisely, and now can quite comfortably live off of the proceeds. His dad, nearing the end of his life and sitting on a much larger pile of cash, decided that he should buy Greg an expensive house, for cash. Yet, Greg is currently stressed out of his mind, convinced that something is going to go drastically wrong — like his mail won’t be properly forwarded to the new place, that he won’t have Internet access for a few days, and that he doesn’t really “deserve” a house he didn’t pay for.

"Great" circumstances, but felt miserable.

Then there’s Julia, a friend of mine who has a retail job and lives paycheck-to-paycheck.  She was living with her disabled son and drug-addicted mom.  For reasons that aren’t as obvious as they may seem, she and her family were served notice to be evicted. She was facing the possibility of having to move into a shelter (which she’d done earlier in her life, and hated) with her son.  I talked to her a lot during this time, and some days, she was really down, and others, she wasn’t, despite the fact that her situation hadn’t improved, and in some ways, worsened.  She noted to me, “it’s weird, some days are better than others, but when I feel bad, I know I’ll feel better later.”

Tragic circumstances, with varying (but often positive) states of mind.

Lastly, I went to India a few years ago and taught photography to 4 high school boys.  Before I got there, I was told that these boys had grown up in extreme poverty and might resemble what we see in Hollywood movies about "inner city" kids.  It's true about how these boys grew up and it's true that they were teenagers (and in many ways, were similar to American teenage boys when they lovingly picked on each other). Yet, they were some of the kindest, most compassionate, thoughtful, creative, cheerful, full-of-laughter, unworried, generous people I have ever met in my life.

So, this is my question, to you, and the question that I constantly strive to answer for myself and those I work with.

Is how we feel (and consequently, how we act) ever really related to our circumstances?

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